Growing Pains

Most of the time we live in our own ordered, secure world and don't ever look at it or ourselves very closely. Often it's not until you have an experience or meet someone that you are forced to confront yourself and how you view the world - how you will respond, act, feel, change...

The last few weeks have seen some major changes in my life which have seen different people, events and experience come into my world in a short space of time.

Maybe no-one could easily handle this much change without being affected in some or many ways I know I can't. But I can't keep hiding within myself and I can't run away.

It just leaves me the option of 'growing up'.

I say growing up because I feel so immature at times. Emotionally immature for certain. Ironically I think I can listen to others, be wise and mature, empathetic and even insightful but in the moments I have to deal with myself I am a mess.

How do you learn to handle emotions, when all you have done in life is to avoid, suppress or nullify them? They say being in touch with your emotions is a good thing, maybe like exercise where it is often a case of 'no pain, no gain'. One blessing in all this is some off the people I have spent time with in the midst of the pain and the strange thing is almost all of their first names begins with the letter A!

Well here's hoping that the pain I'm going through produces emotional muscle for the future challenges ahead.

Personal Values

Awhile back I was reading an article on personal development by Sam Spurlin (he has revamped his sight and removed the article but go check out his site there is some good stuff on it).

One of the key questions it asked was "What are my 3-4 core values" and I guess I've never really thought about this before. I looked through the a suggested list of possible values, all 374 of them! I got down to seven that resonated with me:
Respect, Leadership, Creativity, Appreciation, Amusement, Affection, Acceptance.

After reflecting on these I think I my top four values are:
Creativity, Appreciation, Acceptance & Amusement

Why these four?
Creativity. I have always had a streak of creativity and imagination in me and I have been attracted to things that are different. That spark of the creative in me has always wanted to find a way to express itself. In some ways this blog has given me an outlet.

Appreciation. Being thankful for what you see in others, who they are and what they do - I know I can grow in this and often don't express myself very well but I believe this is something I value. I have even got over my personal struggle of receiving appreciation!

Acceptance. To be accepted and accept others for who they are and not expect any more or less from them. This is something that is effectively tested with every new person I meet!

Amusement. Amusement in all its different forms is something that feeds me. I have to watch that I don't overdo my intake (or output - for the sake of others!) but I have always been one to look on the funny side of things, maybe it is my way of coping with life!

The challenge in Sam Spurlin's article was to look at what I am working on in both work and personal life
that comes out of or is aligned to these values and maybe just as importantly what things I am doing that are not. I know writing this blog has been a real help in working out and working in some of my core life values.
I certainly have had ample opportunity to exercise creativity and part of the self disclosure and sharing of my life that I write about is connected to my desire for acceptance.

I wonder if you were to think of what your personal values are what you would come up with. Why not have a look at the list above and see which chimes with you.

Book to read in 2013

At the beginning of the last two years I have put together a list of books that I plan to read over the year. In 2012 I had a list of 17 books which I thought would be achievable based on my modest reading pace. Alas I once again got sidetracked for a large period of the year. I did read Cloud Atlas - by David Mitchel - absolutely outstanding
Hombre - by Elmore Leonard
American Sphinx the character of Thomas Jefferson by Joseph J Ellis - fascinating character was Jefferson, brilliant yet with some major flaws
The Dark Night of the Soul - by Gerald D May - very profound, I think I have a reflection written somewhere that I may publish one day
In the Shadow of His Wings - by Jonathan Macy - I can proudly call the author a friend and this is a great book which adds another dimension to our understanding of God, his church and how His care is shown to us.

So what of 2013? Will I set myself a more realistic target? Well my list of books I want to read is listed below and is very similar to my 2012 list, I refuse to be beaten (and quite frankly if I don't read them this year then I should give them away!). In total there are actually 14 this year (down from 17). Also as I am publishing this list in mid February I have already read three books and I am onto my fourth so by the end of February I will have 10 months and 10 books to read - a month a book very achievable.
FICTION
Three Men in a Boat - by Jerome K Jerome - reading now
Tooth & Nail - by Ian Rankin
The ascent of Isaac Steward by - Mike French - the last (?) day of Isaac Steward sees the mental breakdown and rebuilding of a man's life and mental world, shades of Inception's dreams within dreams
The Road - by Cormac McCarthy
Blue Friday - by Mike French - excellent page turner sci-fi book that draws on elements of 1984 and chimes very much with the latest TV series Utopia

HISTORY
Six Centuries of Verse - selected and introduced by Anthony Thwaite
The War of the World – by Niall Ferguson

GROWTH
You Can Change - by Tim Chester
The Road Less Travelled - by M.Scott Peck
The Story From The Book, from Adam to Armageddon - by Ted Miller
Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul - by John Eldredge
The Practice of the Presence of God - by Brother Lawrence
Longing for God - by Richard Foster & Gayle Beebe
How to be a bad Christian (and a better human being) - Dave Tomlinson - I recommend this to any Christian who is a little bored with the church thing, it will help you to ask questions, search out a bigger meaning and be a better person (but people may think you are a 'bad' Christian)

Habits of a lifetime can be changed

Do you have bad habits, recurring failures, addictions? If not you are one in a million (or fooling yourself!).

The rest of us know we have stuff that keeps tripping us up again and again.

If you're like me this stuff has become almost second nature, part of who I am. Therefore, if I want to change any of these behaviours and actions it is actually painful because in a perverse way they have become a comfort blanket.

I am trying to change a couple of my worst traits and recently I was listening to a couple of preaches from Mars Hill that I found helpful.

Shane Hipps spoke about the hundreds and thousands of choices that lead to situations of personal pain, bad habits or even addictions. We have to admit that we did make those choices, albeit they became more and more automatic responses the more we let the bad habit form. It was one of those sermons when it seemed the preacher was talking just to me. He went on to say there is hope as we come to God and make the right choices. These boulders of bad behaviour/habits will be worn down by the constant flow of God's healing water. (click here to go and listen)

Kent Dobson talked from the story of Ruth of hopeless circumstances. Ruth did all she could in her situation of just taking one step at a time to walk towards hope. (click here to go and listen)

I am trying to take one step towards hope each day and I am thankful for the lovely people I have around me who guide me, encourage me and pull me up when I stumble and fall.

If you are stuck in whatever way I would recommend listening to one or both of these messages, I believe they may just speak to and encourage you where you are at.

Books of 2012

I have 17 books* on my reading list for 2012. As I finish each one I hope to write a simple review, my thoughts and feelings on each book. Last year my list was made up of 20 books and I only managed to read 11 so this year's list is still a challenge** but hopefully a bit more achievable. I have broken my list into three categories.
Fiction, History & Growth (growth refers to books that I hope will inspire, challenge and help me to grow). Let me know if you have read any of these books and what you thought of them.

FICTION
Cloud Atlas - by David Mitchel
Three Men in a Boat - by Jerome K Jerome
Hombre - by Elmore Leonard
Tooth & Nail - by Ian Rankin
The ascent of Isaac Steward by - Mike French
The Road - by Cormac McCarthy*

HISTORY
American Sphinx the character of Thomas Jefferson by Joseph J Ellis
Six Centuries of Verse - selected and introduced by Anthony Thwaite
The War of the World – by Niall Ferguson*

GROWTH
You Can Change - by Tim Chester*
The Dark Night of the Soul - by Gerald D May
The Road Less Travelled - by M.Scott Peck*
The Story From The Book, from Adam to Armageddon - by Ted Miller*
Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul - by John Eldredge*
The Practice of the Presence of God - by Brother Lawrence
Longing for God - by Richard Foster & Gayle Beebe
In the Shadow of His Wings - by Jonathan Macy

* books that were on the 2011 list
** my 17 books means I have 4759 pages to read in 2012 that works out to 13 pages a day

Crushed like diamonds

I understand that diamonds are formed through immense heat and pressure crushing carbon materials which results in something incredibly beautiful out of all that heat and pressure.

If we were to look closely at one another's lives then I'm sure we would see little glints of mini diamonds or at least tiny flecks of diamonds from past struggles.

The past year has been in many respects the most difficult me and my family have ever had to go through. And yet deep down I feel a certain peace radiating. It's not the temporary peace that would be afforded from solutions to life's problems because generally life has a whole stack of other problems around the corner for us. This peace seems to be saying to me it's OK, life is difficult but you are safe I'll be with you. Maybe just maybe I am starting to understand, to grasp the truth and reality of Jesus' words "my peace I give you".

Doing the right thing, the easy thing or nothing

Fork In The Road - Walnut Creek, California
(via PatrickSmithPhotography)

In our lives we come up against many forks in the road. These present us with choices, most of our choices don't make a great deal of difference. What we choose to wear each day for most of us will have little effect on the grand destiny of our lives, as much as the fashion police would beg to differ! Occasionally we have choices which clearly change our paths, as the saying goes, "nothing will be the same again".

Often these choices are between doing the right thing, as we see it, or doing the easy thing - follow the line of least resistance to pass by on the other side.

Doing the right thing can often be painful and costly, it makes us unpopular perhaps and yet along with all these negatives comes a peace in our soul.

The easy path avoids the immediate pain yet doesn't it just push the issue into the future?

Of course there is another way, one I often follow - do nothing. Don't choose, in fact ignore that the choice is there and in time the momentum of life will push you past that fork in the road and it will soon fade into the past. But the major choices in our lives come back again and again and these choices usually get harder, more difficult and more painful.

I believe that almost everyone of us is approaching a major fork in the road. If you are I pray you have the clarity and strength to do the right thing and that God will sustain you through and on that path as you walk it.

Win-win-come third

This blog 'finger in all the pies' was a finalist in the newcomers blog category. The awards ceremony at the Christian New Media Awards was last Friday night and sadly I wasn't there, I was told a few days before that I hadn't made the top two, so like the other three blogs which were finalists I am joint third!

However as I reflect on this nomination I feel I have already won in two ways.

Firstly, and most importantly I have won for me. What I mean is I have started out doing something (writing this blog) and have not only stuck at it but I am getting joy out of the exercise of writing and I know that it has challenged and stretched me.

Secondly, to have someone who doesn't know me look at my writings and think they are worthy of being put forward for an award is something that has given me a real boost. It has been like a divine yes to what I am about.

I guess my reaction to this praise shows how.much of me is really shared within this blog - as the saying goes, "love me, love my blog".

I wonder if you were to reflect on your life, is there something that you do or are connected to that is so much a part of you that you would say, "love me, love my ..."

The pressure and pain of surrender

"What can I say, what can I do? But offer this heart O God completely to you".
This is a line from a popular worship song The Stand by Joel Houston. It speaks of the desire of a person who, recognising all that God has done for them all they want to do is to give everything to God.

It's a sentiment that is said in many places in the bible and also in my favourite hymn, When I Survey the Wondrous Cross, with the wonderful line - "love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all".

But how do can I give my heart and my life completely to God? If it's easy then surely every Christian would have done it and we would all be saints!

The picture of an orange and a juicer comes to mind. The juice of the orange is all of me, my heart or life if you will. The first squeeze to get a load of the orange juice out is relatively easy. And with each squeeze a little bit more juice comes out but it gets harder and harder each time. The pressure required needs to increase and the pain to ensure the orange juice comes out is more intense.

I know this metaphor isn't perfect, none are, and we rightly ask for more of God but do we realise we could be just as easily be asking for more pressure and pain. A pain which is good for us - "suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope" Romans 5:3, as the gym instructor would say to us "if it isn't hurting it isn't working".

Whatever pain you are walking through, chosen or not, may you see the hope that awaits at the end of it.

The colours of creation

I recently visited the Musee D'Orsay in Paris and had the chance to see some of Vincent Van Gogh's paintings.

I knew they were good, even great, but I was not ready for how amazing they were. The paintings were simply astounding, indeed looking at his contemporaries paintings like Gauguin, a great painter in his own regard, it was like comparing a professional to a good amateur. Vincent's paintings are full of life and vibrancy. I would encourage everyone who has the chance to see them in the flesh to do so, you won't be disappointed.

His paintings inspired me, I found this poem just come out of me as I reflected on my visit.

In a stroke there are a thousand shades of life

revealing what has been in plain sight

Hidden from the sight of mere mortals

but opened by this mans inspired hand

How it dances, the spark of life

it dazzles on the petals, it twinkles on the swirls of the fields

exuding from even chair and bed

Is there something special in this paint?

Or are we seeing the touch of the Divine?

A tortured soul, misunderstood and alone

but closer to God in someways than we could ever be

Thank you Vincent for sharing with us

the colours of creation.

Speaking a different language

How many of you, like me struggle to learn or speak a different language? This year I am going on holiday to France and I know I will only be able to speak a few token words of French and even if I really tried to learn I would barely get out of the basic phrases. And once you try to learn a bit of another language you then hit the massive hurdle of fluent speakers talking back at you two or three times too fast for you to understand.

The easy part of learning a language is using the words, understanding them when they are spoken to you and being able to respond back is the real skill. I have discovered (over the last ten years or so) that I need to learn the language of human emotions and connection. I am probably still in year 1 primary age class in this topic (with occasional flashes of promise!).

I wish like French someone had engaged me with a real desire to learn this inner language and not be stuck in my well established routines and responses. But the good news is we never stop learning and even someone as old as me can learn a new trick!

Are you a work completely done?

On Sunday at church we sang the great song Completely Done which is a lovely song full of truth of what God has done in and for us how we can trust in God completely.

As I sang it though I found the opening phrases - What reason have I to doubt? Why would I dwell in fear? - tripping me up.

Why doubt and fear? As the room sang I thought there are probably plenty of people doubting or fearing something and they lots of valid reasons. The questions in the song seems a little lame. There are plenty of reasons to be fearing for ourselves or our families now or into the future - finances, health, jobs etc.

Also, is there anything wrong with doubt? Isn't it better that we are honest with ourselves and even with God. Isn't doubt just the one side of the coin and faith is the other. Aren't the Psalms full of doubt and faith with faith triumphing, but would that triumph happen without the doubt? If we don't allow ourselves to doubt and question ourselves and God how can we really grow in a balanced way? Show me someone who has never doubted - that would be a scary fanatical person.

Knowing how God sees us and what He has done and is doing for us, helps us overcome our doubts and fears - but lets not condemn ourselves for being human. Indeed I am sure there will be things in our future as yet unknown that we will fear and doubt and God will use those situations to hopefully move us ever deeper into relying on Him.


The other observation I noted was the phrase "what you complete is completely done". The song I believe is referring to our salvation and becoming a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17) and when it is done it is completely done nothing needs to added, worked for or earned. I agree wholeheartedly with this but wondered how many people felt completely and wholly a new and perfect creation? Or do we look at our physical self and wonder how much of the old has gone and new has really come?

It made me think about the creation of a person. As i understand it when a person is born (maybe even when they are conceived) within that person is everything they need to grow up and live their life. Obviously they need shelter, food, teaching etc. but nothing needs to be added to the creation, to the physical body. So our salvation into Christ is similar, when we choose to follow Him and He comes to live in us, in an instant we have everything in us to be Christ-like. All we need is time, care, teaching, and food of the spiritual kind. But no one needs to add any extra salvation hoops for us to do so we can be kitted out with all the necessary equipment to be able to be in Christ.

But do we feel like these perfectly complete people? I would suggest that is a rare feeling. I believe we need to know Christ and to know that we are in Christ in our day to day lives to truly see this, for it to become our reality. And maybe we can only know this when we have feared then believed, when we have doubted and then had faith again and again. As we see the fears and doubts of the old are going we can sing knowingly that the new has indeed come.

Wherever you or I are on the our own faith journey it is good to sing this truth to ourselves even if we don't see, feel or know it at present.

I can do that

How often do you generate a list of good ideas and then don't do any of them or at least you don't do them very well?

At a recent conference I heard Rick Warren make a great suggestion. He was saying that at most conferences he likes to have a sheet of paper where he writes down ideas under the heading "I could do that", then when he gets back to his base he looks at the list of ideas and picks ONE and does that one and won't look to do any of the others until that one is done.

If you think about church, training, work, TV, personal reading and study each week you probably receive loads of suggestions and ideas to improve your life. Can you really expect to implement even one of these ideas on a weekly basis? It's just too much to do, never mind doing it well!

I often think if there was just one or two things each year we could really change or improve then we would see significant growth in our lives.

So if you could change, improve, learn one thing this year what would it be - what's the one thing that you can do?

"New" Music #2

Continuing my expansion of my music collection and hopefully an increase in my musical knowledge, appreciation and maturity - see previous post.

So the latest selection I have purchased and been listening are listed below, as ever let me know what you think.

Beautiful South - Quench and Blue is the Colour (1998 and 2001) - 50p each - 2 stars

Wonderfully crafted lyrics and with interesting melodies and rhythms BUT I just didn't get into these songs. I just didn't get caught up on any of the hooks.

Lily Allen - Alright, Still (2007) - 50p - 2 stars

Lily's voice is catchy and the tunes are very rhythmic but the topic of the songs seem to be all the same and worst of all I think Kate Nash does the same type of songs but twic as good.

The Proclaimers - The Best Of... (87-02) - 50p - 3 stars

All their great hits - Letter to America, 500 Miles, Sunshine on Leith - but also quite a few other excellent tunes and covers. OK a few duff tunes but with 20 tracks you definitely get 12 tracks that are really good.

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me (2002) - 99p - 3 stars

Norah's wonderful voice and the relaxing mix of guitar, soft drums and piano is lovely.  Music to sit and listen to, walk along on with it on a summers day or just in the background as you potter around the house.

Inspiring preaching

Over the last six months I have been listening to and incredibly blessed by the teaching of Mars Hill and their main teachers Rob Bell and Shane Hipps. You may have heard of Rob Bell from his Nooma films.

These two preachers take you on a journey, they tell you the story, the setting and share insight and observations. They build a cathedral of words which they invite you to come in and stand and enjoy the wonder of the the word and the world of God.

The last two series that I listened to were on the Jesus' parables and currently Ecclesiastes.

Jesus' parables are often 'simple' stories but digging deeper we see the profound riches within. Take the story of the man who finds treasure in a field, buys the field with all he has and puts the treasure back in the field. This treasure is not so much hidden as in plain sight to those who have their eyes opened to discover it and what is the field that the treasure is in and then re-buried into if not our lives?

The latest series on Ecclesiastes is so encouraging! Meaningless? A better word to read instead would be temporary (the Hebrew word is Havel) - "everything is temporary". So the teacher exhorts us to live a life of joy and peace with God, others and ourselves because everything is temporary.

So if you want to try something a bit different go check them out at itunes or you watch an excellent video clip of Rob Bell talking about resurrection (below). You could even see him for real this year at Greenbelt.

Resurrection: Rob Bell from Rob Bell on Vimeo.

"New" Music #1

I have decided to expand my music collection by browsing the second hand stores to pick up albums and artists I have heard of but never really had the chance to listen to their music.  I will occasionally post my thoughts and even commit myself to an 'out of 5 stars' rating.  Let me know what you think.

The Zutons - Who killed the Zutons (2004) - 99p - 2½ stars
OK album, their debut album and the main hits came off their second album.  May occasionally listen again

Dido - Life for Rent (2003) - £1.99 - 3 stars
Very enjoyable album, lovely voice and relaxing slightly melancholic tunes.  I remember this artist being regularly lampooned on Never Mind the Buzzcocks but I quite like it.

Razorlight - Up all night (2004) - 99p - 2½ stars
Intense guitar rock, not dissimilar to The Editors. Not sing along but solidly good tunes.

Texas - White on Blonde (1997) - 99p - 4 stars
Really love this album, it seems contemporary, cool and such a good mix of soft rock and fantastic lyrics.  This is one that will get many spins on turntable

Will Young - Friday's Child (2003) - 50p - 3½ stars
That very rare thing a reality pop star with talent and originality. Soulful pop ballads, very toe tapping!